It was awfully cold that evening. His hands were numb inside the pockets of his slacks, and he shifted from side to side now and then, keeping himself from freezing as he waited outside his office. Jesse was a little late, but Hokuto didn’t mind. It gave him more time to compose himself. God knows he needed it after his mind remained turbulent the whole day.
The lump in his throat never went away since his watch ticked closer to six o’clock. Each time the hands of the clock drew closer to their agreed meeting time, Hokuto’s stomach churned. He was too nervous. He couldn’t stop biting his lips. It scared him that he might be too transparent. His feelings might be written all over him throughout the night, and he wanted anything but that.
Hokuto was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he almost didn’t sense the figure approaching his way. He jumps and takes an instinctive step back from his startle when he finds Jesse to his left, shoulders rising up and down from his half-jog.
“I’m…sorry I’m late.”
Hokuto blinked, taking a second to process Jesse’s arrival. He shook his head, assuring him he didn’t mind. He waits as Jesse takes a deep breath to catch his breath, and watches as the taller man presents what he was hiding behind his back.
“For you.”
A lush bouquet of red roses appears in Jesse’s hands. The arrangement was familiar, and so was the neat beige card perched between the flowers. There was a handwritten Valentine's greeting in messy cursive and a short note below which Hokuto decided to read for later.
Knowing where he bought them, Hokuto thanked him quietly. He started walking when he accepts the bouquet in his hands, purposely walking a step forward to hide his face.
“I hope you still like them,” Jesse said, trying to follow his pace.
“You’re lucky I still do.” Hokuto never cared for flowers back then.
They headed to a restaurant just a little outside of the bustling commercial district, somewhere quieter with fewer people as Hokuto preferred. The trip was mostly spent in silence, with some small talk here and there just for the sake of it. Hokuto’s replies weren’t slipping out gracefully, but Jesse wasn’t faring any better. He would applaud Jesse’s efforts which was a feat he didn’t have the courage and skill for, but Jesse’s forced and nervous laughter couldn’t erase the oppressive tension between them.
In the back of his head, Hokuto wondered how they even managed to return to each other. It was silly, he thought, to be spending the fourteenth of February with the man he broke up with a year ago. Even more foolish that they only end up back together not more than two weeks ago.
Maybe fate threw them into an ironic comedy written by karma, but Hokuto couldn’t deny he was a lovesick idiot who willingly opened his heart back after a night of tears, pleas, and apologies. Anyway, it just happened that the universal day of love coincided too quickly when they were fresh from getting back together. Though they agreed to take it slow while they restarted their relationship, it would be too awkward if they ignored the holiday. Especially knowing they always looked forward to celebrating it for four years straight before.
“Hey,” Jesse called him, interrupting Hokuto’s thoughts. “...do you not like them anymore?”
Hokuto could spot the anxiousness in Jesse’s eyes. He followed Jesse’s line of sight, and he found himself gripping the base of the bouquet so tight that he was practically crushing the stems.
Quickly, he loosened his grasp. “-–sorry. I love them, I really do.”
What he said was true. Hokuto loved when Jesse gave him flowers, and he found it endearing that they came from the same shop Jesse always bought from. Up to now, Hokuto still had the old rose petals preserved and kept in a box somewhere in his closet. He didn’t care for roses back then, but because of Jesse, he grew very fond of them. That was one thing that hasn’t changed a year after.
Hokuto couldn’t tell if Jesse was convinced by his answer since they had arrived at their destination. Jesse had immediately walked to the front and spoken to the receptionist about their reservation, and Hokuto stayed a few steps behind, discrete in watching Jesse’s broad back. They were led to a table by the window, and as soon as they were seated, Hokuto’s palms were sweating. The notable silence was harder to ignore.
In an attempt to clear the nervous air, Jesse started first. “How was work?”
“It was fine…nothing out of the usual.”
“Not too busy?”
“Not as hectic as a few months ago, so it’s been manageable.”
“That’s good to hear.”
Hokuto finally looked up to attempt eye contact, but he found Jesse wasn’t looking at him either. “And you?”
“Same, I guess. Nothing out of the ordinary.”
A server arrived to fill their wine glasses and Hokuto drew a deep breath with the temporary distraction. His mind was too empty to add any substance to the dry exchange. It was hard knowing they were back to square one.
He was utterly grateful that Jesse was a natural in driving conversations, or else they’d be stuck in silence since the appetizer. Frankly, Hokuto felt terrible that he couldn’t match his pace. Everything felt so wrong knowing dinners back then with Jesse were always fun and relaxing. Any meal with him no matter where they were was a time to rest and forget about all the stresses in the world that followed him. He never had to think so hard about the next thing to say. He thought, maybe he was extra high-strung knowing he’s spent so long eating alone the past year.
Even if it was awkward, Hokuto couldn’t help stealing quick glances at him throughout dinner when he thought Jesse wouldn’t notice. He was mostly the same. His hair was slightly longer since the last time they saw each other, and perhaps he lost a little weight, but altogether, nothing really changed. That itself was assuring to him.
For a while, all Hokuto could hear was the sound of the piano and silverware. He realized Jesse had stopped talking. He looked up in curiosity, which might have been a mistake when he was looking eye to eye with Jesse.
“Hokuto.” There was a tenderness in his eyes that made Hokuto’s heart skip. The kind Jesse used to look at him when he was being sentimental. “It’s nice spending Valentine’s with you once again.”
He said it so quietly that the piano almost drowned him out. Hokuto nodded timidly, agreeing with him. “It’s been a while since we went out like this.” Last year, he was drinking alone in his apartment during Valentine’s. He recalled not making it to work the next day.
“I’m surprised you agreed to dinner with me,” Jesse confessed.
“Well… Celebrating events had always been very important to you. I couldn’t say no.”
Hokuto didn’t put too much thought into the implication behind his words, but they had caught Jesse off guard. Trying to act casual, Jesse drank his wine but finished until the last drop. What Hokuto said was right. Jesse was a sentimental fool who treasured important dates. He never really told Hokuto directly, but it gladdened him that Hokuto had picked up on that fact and remembered.
Jesse had underestimated the pain of celebrating precious dates the past year without Hokuto. The loneliness was excruciating.
“I really missed you.”
Hokuto stopped, eyes stuck on the lapels of Jesse’s coat. He could imagine the kind of face Jesse was making right now, and Hokuto knew his weak heart stood no chance. He couldn’t find the words to say in response, but Jesse had saved him once again when he stood up and excused himself for the restroom. His chest twinges as he watched Jesse leave the table. He buries his face in his hands in frustration, wondering if they really still had a chance to go back to the way they were.
With all his heart, Hokuto wanted that second chance. He knew he was the happiest with Jesse, and it tore him apart that he didn’t recognize that fact until they broke up. Jesse was the only man for him, but it worried him that it might not be the same if vice versa. It scared him that after all this time, he still wasn’t the right one for Jesse and that agreeing to get back together would lead to hurting him a second time. Perhaps even tenfold.
Hokuto set his fork down. He couldn’t eat anymore. One question repeated in his head like a persistent broken record.
‘Are you sure?’
Because if Jesse showed a single sign of thinking twice, then Hokuto felt like he was forcing his way back into Jesse’s life.
While Jesse was in the restroom, Hokuto was mentally preparing himself to ask. There was so much left unsaid two weeks ago when they agreed to restart, and the most crucial was left unanswered. He straightens his posture when he spots Jesse returning to their table. He was readying himself to face him head-on.
But the second he sees the redness in Jesse’s eyes, the words got lost in his throat.
Hokuto had almost forgotten Jesse’s bad habit of hiding his feelings.
He had forgotten how to handle them too, and he had never felt so worthless pretending he didn’t notice. Jesse was pretending nothing happened either. He didn’t bring up what he had said before he excused himself. He acted like his eyes weren’t glassy and his pale complexion wasn’t sporting a flush indicative of the things he was going through by himself. He kept that smile on his face while he tried to direct the conversation somewhere else. It was one of his savior traits that Hokuto wished he would give up sometimes.
Their waiter arrives for the finale; Hokuto’s favorite chocolate mousse cake was served on fine dainty plating, but neither of them could savor the sweetness that touched their tongues. Any longer within the constricting air wrapped around them, and Hokuto thought he would throw up everything he had just eaten.
The day reaches its end after dinner. They planned nothing further after the reservation, so as soon as they stepped out of the restaurant, Jesse got ready to walk Hokuto home.
They walked side by side guided by the dim street lamps. There were barely any stars in sight, and the few ones that shone were way too far away from each other. The route to Hokuto’s place entailed passing by a small park where they used to hang around at night when there was nothing to do, and Hokuto could envision their forms sitting on one of the benches, sitting close together as they gazed at the sky. Those moments used to be simple and mundane to him, but it was hitting him hard now with deep nostalgia.
Stealing a quick glance to his side, Hokuto found Jesse looking at the park too. He wondered if he was reminiscing the same things. He wondered if their thoughts were more alike than he thought.
Abruptly, Jesse stops on his feet.
“Can we stop by here for a minute?”
He points to the park, and Hokuto nods apprehensively. There was no one around and they were already far from the main street, so the rustling of the trees was louder than it should be. It was much colder than Hokuto had anticipated, and he shivers when another gust of wind blows toward them. He controls himself from looking at Jesse’s empty hand, his past source of warmth which he used to hold reflexively. But now wasn’t the time for past habits to resurface. He grasps the bouquet tighter instead to keep his hands distracted.
“Sorry if I’m still keeping you outside a little later,” Jesse apologized, eyes captured by the small playground in the middle. “It’s been a while since I last came here.”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind.”
Jesse walked around the small park, slowly and leisurely, eyes softening at the memories that flashed before him. They used to fool around by the swings which were too small for two grown adults who ought to have better things to do. From what he could see, nothing has changed. The wooden chairs of the swings were the same blue and green. The slide was still the same red-colored metal that got too hot to sit on when the sun was out. There still weren’t enough lamps around the park for it to be decently lit, and one of the posts by the entrance still flickered from time to time.
It was funny, Jesse thought. Almost nothing around him changed, even when he thought his whole world went upside down after Hokuto left.
He was tired of living in irony.
Another rush of strong wind blows through, and Hokuto winces at the cold, hugging the bouquet to his chest before the wind swept the petals away.
“...Jesse?”
Jesse had stopped by the swings, merely standing and fixed on the spot for some time. Quietly, Hokuto walks up to him from behind, intent on suggesting that they return by now.
“It’s getting cold.”
Hesitantly, he clutched Jesse’s sleeve, slightly tugging to catch his attention. The taller man didn't move, and Hokuto wondered if he had heard him properly. He walks in front of Jesse to check on him, and Hokuto froze.
The last thing Hokuto wanted to see were tears falling down Jesse’s cheeks. The tear tracks glistened under the faint light, and he was biting his lip to control its trembling. It seemed like Jesse himself hadn’t realized he was crying. Not until he was staring right into Hokuto’s worried face.
A soft hand gently cupped his cheek, and Jesse couldn't control himself from holding that hand and leaning into its warmth.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cry like this."
The tears wouldn't stop, and his voice shook with all his vulnerability. Dropping all his doubts and worries, Hokuto pulled him closer, and this time, Jesse didn't even hesitate to embrace him. He buries his face on his shoulder and his body shook along with his sobs. He had been waiting to do this after so long. All those days that he missed him, he could only dream of holding him in his arms again. He never realized how reliant he had been on Hokuto for comfort, and despite knowing there was still a large wall he needed to climb over again, he reckoned this temporary moment was the closest he had ever gotten in a while to a sense of security.
“I don’t know if returning back to me would be the best choice for you. I don’t know if I can really give you the happiness you deserve.”
He squeezes Hokuto tighter within his arms, the bouquet in the latter's hands dropping to the ground from the tight embrace.
"But trust me when I say that I’m sure I’m ready to love you all my life.”
It was as if he was reading Hokuto’s mind. He was uttering the words Hokuto never knew he needed so much to hear, and Hokuto's chest felt like it was closing in so tightly – so painfully – enough that his own eyes welled up in tears. The wound in his heart that he had tried so hard to close was beginning to throb again, and he hated that the only way it could heal was through the man in front of him.
“If you could allow me into your life once more. If you could just give me one more chance, I promise I’ll do everything to make it work.”
Jesse didn’t even have to ask. In the time they spent away from each other, not a day passed that Hokuto didn't miss him. Not once did he ever stop loving him.
Hokuto would give Jesse every damn chance in the world if it meant returning back to him.